Okay, all you self-flagellators out there – me included. It’s time to put down that whip, take a deep breath and tell yourself, “You’re doing okay.”
This blog is for all you parents and carers, siblings and friends, teachers and therapists who care for and work with kids who have challenges and sometimes wonder: Are we making a difference? When we struggle through the dark times, are we getting it right? When the way through seems to compromise and challenge all our ideas about good parenting, does the means justify the ends?
Pause and admire the view
Because we constantly move forwards, we don’t often look back at the view. It can be easy to see the mountains still ahead of us, rather than the mountains that we’ve already conquered.
We’re very good at pushing ourselves on and on, overcoming obstacles, planning the next challenge. But it’s important to stop and look back to see where we’ve come from. Admire the view here and now. Pat ourselves on the back. Hey – who would ever have thought we’d have made it this far?
Doubting is part of life
Sure, we cover our doubts with a cloak of optimism, positive thinking, and bloody-minded persistence. But they’re still there. Imagine a washing basket. Sometimes it’s full. Sometimes empty. The contents change over time. We know there’ll always be washing to do. In our house, the basket’s barely empty before it starts filling up again. Some days, the load is lighter than others. But there’s always something to deal with.
Chances are, all your friends are saying, “I just don’t know how they do it. I couldn’t possibly manage.” You might even say that yourself about other people. Besides, I think that a certain amount of doubting is healthy if it makes us more open to alternative courses of action. Too much self-confidence can lead to arrogance. Donald Trump, anyone?
Judge not
We humans excel at being high-minded and narrow-minded. We’re exceptionally good at judging others without reference to ourselves. However, we can also be our own harshest critics. We can feel like we’re just not doing enough. Especially if our children have special needs. Many parents can think – as I still do – can I be doing more?
Actually, if I’m honest, it’s should I be doing more? I feel so guilty when I realise that my daughter has just played on her iPad for two hours after dinner, probably without moving, while I cleaned up, got Littlest Wombat to bed, spoke to Free Running Wombat, tried to get Train Wombat onto his homework, dealt with a myriad of things… Yes, I would have been in and out of her room to check on her. But I know if I don’t make the time to encourage her out or get her started on something else, she’s just as happy blobbing in her own little space. Yes, I know, that’s important. She needs time out – especially from me! And yet…the “shoulds” are often too loud in my head.
I reckon we’ve all felt guilt, at one time or another, about what we wish we’d done, or done better. We wouldn’t be human if we didn’t. Progress has only ever been achieved by those who weren’t content to let the status quo rest. And thank goodness for them. But we must resist the urge to dwell on the “shoulds” and make the most of what we can do.
Self-reflect – but don’t be Narcissus
Self-reflection is important. Introspection is important. Nevertheless, I suspect that too much navel-gazing can be harmful. If we become too wrapped up in ourselves – even if we feel we’re doing it for the right reasons – we can lose perspective.
And as parents, losing perspective can be surprisingly easy. When we parent special needs kids, we often have little to give us perspective, because our “normal” is different from everyone else’s.
Your story is what matters
The longer I live, the more I realise that everyone has a story. No-one’s “normal” is the same. In fact, what’s “normal” anyway? Behind even the most successful façade, there has often been heartbreak, loss or challenges of one sort or another. If not now, there will be later. You know, that family down the road, where everything goes smoothly for them? You don’t know the inside story. Those kids who are the models of perfection, the white to your kids’ grimy black? Who knows what path they’ll travel through life? Don’t speculate. Don’t compare. Deal with your “now”.
So forget everyone else’s story. Celebrate your own. Take some time to kick back, reflect on all the challenges that you have overcome and are working to overcome and say to yourself, “Yeah. I’m doing okay.”
So, here are a few Dancing Wombat tips. There’s nothing earth-shattering or original in these. But perhaps they can be a prompt for you today.
Be kind to yourself.
Don’t compare.
Accept that sometimes you will feel you get things wrong.
Remember, you will also get things right.
Chocolate is a great healer.
So is sleep.
What lifts you up? Try and find just ten minutes each day to be uplifted.
It’s okay, and necessary, to do things for YOU! Fit your own oxygen mask first.
Acknowledge that it’s sometimes incredibly hard to do things for yourself. But you still need to. Think of it as “future-proofing”.
Tomorrow is another day. And, most importantly perhaps…
YOU. ARE. MAKING. A. DIFFERENCE.
Take heart. You’re doing okay.
Until next time, Happy Wombatting!
(Image: “Haven”, by Russian artist Vladimir Kush)
